Band Director

Drum Major

Leaps short buildings in a single bound.

Is more powerful than a switch engine.

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.

Walks on water if sea is calm.

Talks with God.

Oboe

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.

Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.

Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.

Talks with God if special request is approved.

Trumpet

Barely clears a quonset hut.

Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.

Can fire a speeding bullet.

Swims well.

Is occasionally addressed by God.

Bassoon

Makes marks on wall when trying to clear short buildings.

Is run over by locomotive.

Can sometimes handle gun without inflicting self-injury.

Dog-paddles.

Talks to animals.

Flute

Runs into buildings.

Recognizes locomotives 2 times out of 3.

Is not issued ammunition.

Can stay afloat with a life jacket, argues with self.

Clarinet

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.

Says "Look at the choo-choo."

Wets self with water pistol.

Plays in mud puddles.

Loses argument with self.

Trombone

Lifts buildings and walks under them.

Kicks locomotives off the tracks.

Catches speeding bullets with teeth and eats them.

Freezes water with a single glance.

Is God.